Pete suggested that I write a blog post for our lovely new website. I imagine he perhaps hoped that I might dispense web design wisdom in giant ladles, and indeed I might, were it not for the fact that this would involve two things that I am currently incapable of: coherent thought, and; movement. These basic fundamentals of humanity are eluding my grasp because in the face of the searing summer heat I have given up on the vertebrate lifestyle and am instead being converted from my solid physical form into one far more liquid.
We like to talk about the weather in Britain. This is primarily because it is rubbish, and this appeals to our curmudgeonly, stiff upper-lipped, negative Britishness. Today I too (in a strange break from character, as everyone that knows me will testify) am embracing my inner grumpy old man.
The British year begins with Winter. To hear a Brit talking, you would think that the arctic had drifted south and that the country were in imminent danger of being overwhelmed by glacial ice flows. Yet the mearest sprinkling of snow induces terror and panic buying as the nation falls to pieces. Health & Safety police rush to close schools lest young Barry or Charmaine should slip over on the journey from Mum's four wheel drive to the school gates. Perfectly navigable roads are closed so that no driver might skid or any way do anything that might possibly be construed as dangerous.
You might imagine then that the British as a nation take this opportunity to hide in the warmth and safety of their own homes, and you'd be wrong, because no-one can afford to heat their homes any more, so they instead go sledging. And as a result many people die.
Spring brings with it the hope of slightly warmer weather, and often opens with a day or perhaps two of teasing sun and blue skies. This causes the plants to burst into life, just in time to be drowned to death by the rain, which continues without abatement until summer. In the interests of health and safety, schools are closed lest young Aidan or Paige be swept away during morning recess. Of course, the roads must be closed too due to the impenetrable rivers of inch deep water flowing across them. In desperation then, many Britons make a mad dash for the nearest airport and Easyjet their way to somewhere hotter, where they will immediately remove the majority of their clothing and head for a beach. This is followed by epic lobsterfication, and then skin cancer. Many people will die.
I could go on. So I shall.
Finally Summer arrives. Ordinarily this lasts for about 1 week sometime between July and September and is usually identified by the fact that it has temporarily stopped raining. Every four or five years we experience what people in the Mediterranean would call "mildly warm" temperatures, and what is more generally referred to in this country as the "heat of a thousand suns". Having just got our bodies used to the shock of the freezing and wet weather, the sudden blast furnace catches us completely by surprise. The schools of course must close for the summer, lest young Jayden and Mia melt... which is exactly what the roads start to do. Councils everywhere rush to cover every decent road with tar and loose chippings. This process of lobbing sticky goo and gravel everywhere is apparently called "highway maintenance". Not that you can move anywhere on the roads, because they are full of caravans and people desperately pretending to enjoy their sweltering holiday. Naturally, to get around the traffic, we rush to our motorcycles that have been languishing in dusty garages since about this time last year, throw self control to the wind, and proceed with gay abandon to charge past slow moving traffic imagining that we are Valentino Rossi's more talented sibling. Many people will die.
Autumn then is the only time of year that really works in Britain. If the sun comes out, it's not too hot. If it rains, it generally isn't for weeks at a time. And, there's a fair to middling chance you won't see any snow. Children everywhere return to school, and are completely safe. The road system starts working again. Autumn is a little bit of everything. It is the season when we have finally pulled ourselves together and got everything working, just in time for Winter to ruin it all again.
Somewhere in the midst of all of this websites must be built. So, you'll be pleased to learn that morphsites HQ is fully equipped with air conditioning to keep us cool in the summer and warm in the winter. But, since we are a modern, forward-thinking and technically competent bunch, we also embrace remote working. In fact, today is my remote working day. However, my home is not equipped with air conditioning and the temperature in my home office is currently just a few degrees shy of boiling magma, which is why my blog post today has had nothing to do with websites at all.